Call Me By Your Name

Dear Andre Aciman,

You have wrecked my entire fucking soul for the rest of my life and into the afterlife. The first time I read Call Me By Your Name was in 2009. I was 17, the same age as Elio. Then in 2011, and again now in 2015. My eyes are sore from bawling my life away. I am in awe of your ability to reach beneath my soul, knowing the exact code to break my heart. How did you do it? How do you know me so well? How do you understand who I am? Why did you do this to me? Why did you have to write that novel the way you did? I need to have a drink with you and discuss all of this. I want to know who you are– the mind that created all of this. You are the most influential artist in my life and you’ve given me the most important novel I have ever read. I know that when ever I read it, I will be left breathless every time.

You rip out my heart. You make me feel alive. You have written my soul on paper. Please be my friend. My mentor. My lover even. One of my life goals is to get all of my dearest friends to read your work. Let us sit in silence. You and I. Breathing. Sip. Exhale. Stare. Scrutinize. Question. Inhale. Sigh. Clementize. Sip again. Flirt. Look away. Then meet my gaze and never drop it. I want to speak with you. I want to learn from you. I don’t even have the words to write about you. You are the top of my favorite kind of person and leagues beyond anyone I personally know.

I just finished reading Call Me By Your Name for the third time. Every time I pick it up, I catch something new. It means something else. Another facet is revealed to me. The first time I read it I was 17, the same age as Elio, and I related to it in a more direct way. Now I’m 23 and closer to Oliver’s age and I’ve gained a different, more adult perspective when reading it. I will continue reading it for the rest of my life and hopefully will gain deeper understandings each time. I have not found security or intimacy with anyone the way that Elio and Oliver have, but one day I will. Yet I wonder when I finally do meet someone and I re-read CMBYN, will I become someone else? Will another piece of my soul be crushed the same way it did 6 years ago, 4 years ago, 30 minutes ago?

Thank you dearly for creating a masterpiece I will forever hold in my heart. I hope to meet you one day soon and share with you how grateful I am for what you created and how you have so tenderly touched my soul. Every day, I want to be you. But I could never.

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