Echoes

What will be the echoes of my life? The fragments that for some reason I was meant to remember. I pride myself on having a great memory, remembering the small things that people forget or overlook. I  treasure the details. But will it be enough as my life expands? How will I remember everything that mattered? Everyone that mattered? Must I journal all the events of my life? At the end of it, I want to be able to say I lived a long life and loved many. I forever want to live sharp and innumerable slices of life and be a slice of life myself. I want to live so fiercely and strikingly unique that everyone remembers me. At the edge of 22, it already feels like I’ve lived an entire lifetime and I’m surprised and a little tired to find out that it’s not over. I still have more people to meet, friends to make, trinkets of family to be found. There are still more languages to learn, food to eat, places to see, men to date, clothes to wear, music to cry and die over or dance to. I still have words to write, thoughts to share, art to create. I am blessed with the wisdom that life is longer, that life is gigantic, swift, and unpredictable. I am blessed with the wisdom to envision a bigger picture.

I am no longer a child, so comes the death of my childhood dreams. Adulthood is sprouting like seeds in my limbs, the current of my blood. But the bones of my childhood remain. I never gave much thought to the idea of growing up. When I was 14, I thought my 20’s would be my golden age. I imagined I would be this mature sexual being with the full right to party, going to every club and dancing with the rest. But I never considered the reality to this fantasy. Alas, I am not this sexual being, but a romantic one. An epic dreamer and designer of grandeur scenarios and serendipitous happenings. Hopeful for the enchanted touch of an angelic boy. A bright eyed wanderer wading through teeming seas of the vicious and the delicate. Vulnerable. Innocent. Prudent. A conjurer of the fantastic and best that life has to offer. These are my childhood bones that map out the man I’m supposed to be.

What intimidates and thrills me is coming alive into the feeling that the future is now. I think deeply about what I’m supposed to be doing with my life and how much it matters to me in the moment, tomorrow, and for the span of my entire life. I want to whirl myself in the directions that stimulate me and make me come alive. All my life, I’ve been preparing myself to reach out for what is beyond. Studying abroad in Jerusalem was the first thing that ever brought me outside of who I thought I was. Choosing that journey was the first cracked step that allowed me to walk past the life I knew; the only life I thought possible for myself. For once I reached beyond the distance afforded me by my childhood bones into a sphere of adult possibilities where I realized that life is infinitely cyclical. I don’t want to be a permanent echo, but a resounding wave of love and happiness, swirling freely through time.

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